Have You Ever

CHAPTER TEN

...  really knew the difference between lust and love?

"So, what is it you exactly do?" my mum asks Jack, as we're all seated around the table in the dining area of the house.

"I make furniture,"  Jack simply replies, tucking into the quiche my mother prepared earlier.

"And what kind of furniture is that?" my mother asks cutting into her steak with her cutlery, but she's really slicing up Jack with her interrogating questions.

"Chairs, recliners, tables but mostly chairs... all made of the finest fair trade wood," Jack says.

"And how much money do you make?" my mother continues with her questioning. 

My mother has been very protective of me lately, partially due to my sister's behaviour towards me and manipulatively turning the whole family against me.  My parents have somewhat become very protective of me since then,  so, it's understandable that they would ask these questions, especially as they've walked in on us getting hot and heavy in the kitchen.

"Cheri darling, I think it's very inappropriate to question the young man on how much he makes for a living," my father quickly squashes that question.

"I'm simply asking him dear, so I know he will take care of my daughter," my mother replies.

Jack grins, "I will always take opportune time to take care of her Mrs St. Claire, she's very special to me."

I can see my dad grinning and nodding his appreciation for his answer.

"So, how did you two meet?" my dad asks.

Jack smiles and looks over to me, which makes me all prickly all over, in a good way.  Jack proceeds to tell the story and I can only gush at what he says, like a teenager with a massive crush.

After dinner, I help mum clean up and dad and Jack head outside and have a man to man talk, I can only imagine what they could be talking about.  Mum's incessant questions are floating around in my head, which I've chosen not to answer because if I answered, I know another twenty would follow. After a few hours, my mother and father retire to bed and it's much to early for me and Jack to go to bed.  Mum and dad insisted Jack stayed over, as he was part of the family, whatever that was supposed to mean.

"Do you want to go for a ride?" Jack asks.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"Anywhere, come on," he says, as he tugs my hand and leads me out of the door.  He hands me a helmet and I wrap my arms around him as he starts the engine. Going for a ride is amazing, the complete experience is thrilling and exciting and my adrenaline is pumping away and what makes it even more wonderful is that I have a hunky man to hold on to.  Oh my gosh, did I actually say that? A hunky man.  I think we're definitely official but I just want him to tell me we are.

We stop by the side of a road to glance at the view before us, we're on one of the highest peaks and it's breathtaking.  Jack turns towards me and kisses me and I kiss him back but he's the first to draw back, "Come back with me," he whispers, as he threads his fingers through my hair.

I want so badly to say yes but I need to know, where we're heading off to.  I just need to know.  I take a while to answer because what can I say, without sounding like the most insecure of people.  He senses my pause.

"What's the matter?" he looks deep into my eyes and it's almost as if he's searching for something, anything to indicate what the hell is going on with me. I can't look him straight in the eyes without feeling this way and as if understanding he replies, "I know you've been burnt in the past Frederica but I promise you, I'm not like him, I would never in a million years hurt you. Do you love me?"

Oh, that dreaded question, I was hoping to avoid. Do I love him? I'm not sure, y'see, "I don't know."

His face says it all, it's the face of defeat and his eyes stray from mine and I can only come to a conclusion that he loves me. He looks at me and kisses me, which takes me by surprise because I wasn't expecting that, "Come on, let's get back."

Jack returns back to London after spending a few more days with me and the family, we haven't talked about what happened up on the peak a few days ago but I had noticed that he seemed a bit distant with me.  My mum and dad seemed to be getting on with him like a house on fire, they would talk to him about everything and always invited his opinion on things- and I felt slightly left out.  What else is new? Like my welcome to him, our goodbyes were said outside on the gravel drive way and I watched as he sped off into the sunset. Not the kind of ending I had hoped. At the moment, I am spending the time with dad again, in his bedroom watching another re-run of Only Fools & Horses - I'm used to this and sometimes silence is a virtue, but my heart feels heavy and I feel a void.

"Don't think I haven't noticed how subdued you've been since he's left honey bee," my father breaks into my thoughts, "What's the matter? I know there is something definitely up."

"Dad, you know me too well," I say.

"I don't know you honey, I love you and I have to take care of you... so what happened?" my dad looks lovingly at me as he presses pause on the DVD player.

"He didn't so much as say in as many words, but I know he loves me.. I just don't know if I love him," I say, "Am I supposed to know if I love him? Because I'm not too sure."

"There are a great many things that will always remain a mystery in this life, one is women, the second is why you wait for one bus but three come at once and the third is love.  There is just no way of working these things out, no way of determining what it is, you would just know honey bee.  It will hit you one time and then you'll know, not the best of explanations - but the only one I can give.  You've just gotta think that love is like a little mustard seed, you have to nurture it, feed it, water it and in time it will grow.  Nothing happens over night, though I must say if it worked out for Romeo and Juliet, there's surely a lasting chance somewhere along the lines."

"Thanks dad, that's definitely insightful," I say, pondering about it but not really going anywhere with it.

"Can you imagine your life without him? Can you see your life before he came into it?" my father asks.

I think, "Yes, I had a life before him but I can't quite see it clearly enough..."

"Then maybe you are... or maybe you're not or maybe you just won't admit it to yourself... love is a very complex thing, especially when you have given your heart to another, only to have it shredded to shards."

"I definitely know I don't love Eric anymore because he sidled up with Frieda- it's the betrayal of it dad, I don't want to be hurt again, not by Jack, not by anyone," I say disheartened, "Which is funny because when I first saw Jack in Sainsbury's a little bit of me was already in love with him. I was kinda in lust mode."  This is weird speaking to my dad about a subject like this, but it's easy because I'm close to my dad.

"Lust can go two ways, it can grow into obsession or it can simply mature into love," my dad says simply and that's for me to think about, "Take your time pet, there's no deadline for love."

So, why do I feel like there is?

 

Have You Ever

CHAPTER NINE

... realised that distance makes the heart grow fonder? (And the sex is even hotter?)

My father was discharged from the hospital two weeks ago and is now lounging in bed with a broken leg and a fractured shoulder.  He's sitting comfortably watching re-runs of Porridge and Only Fools & Horses- so he is content.  Some idiot on their mobile phone was texting at the time and hadn't seen dad walking onto the road at a pedestrian crossing and when they had looked up, they tried to swerve to avoid hitting him- and in actual fact ended up hitting him.  I don't know what's more ironic then that. 

"Did you manage to speak to Frieda? How is she doing?" I ask.

"Your sister is a ticking time bomb and I know it's partly due to the hormones but I hadn't realised how spoilt she is- God only knows whether she will be a good enough parent to take care of her baby.  I have faith that Hartley will keep her in check, now that they're expecting," my father says in between bites.

"Yeah, that's Frieda for you," I simply muster.

"Y'know, your mother and me are entirely sorry for the way we have treated you Frederica... honestly, we don't know how more we can-"

I don't particularly want to talk about it, I know my parents are sorry but bringing it up is still a sore point, "Don't worry about it dad, that's all in the past now."

"I know sweetheart, I know but I just want to tell you that we are so sorry... y'know your sister can be completely manipulative and it'd been going for so long... it was like gospel." 

I stare outside the window and suddenly my phone rings and I stare at the phone screen, it's Jack.  I make my excuses and go out on to the balcony to take the call.

"Hi Jack," I say

"Hi Frederica, how are you?" he asks.

"I'm good, just hanging out with dad."

"Oh yeah, how's the old man doing?"

"He still has to have his cast on for a few more weeks yet but he's doing okay.  Thanks for sending the Porridge and Only Fools & Horses box sets, it's keeping him occupied. I'll pay you back when I get back."

"No need to pay me back, consider it a gift- speaking of getting back, when are you coming back?"

"I'm not sure Jack, whilst mum goes out, I'm kinda left here to take care of dad but am looking to open up a store here though, so who knows when I will be back. How's everything with you?"

"Work is crazy, I've been working like a dog but the company is flourishing,"  Jack says.

"That's great news, I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks Frederica, I was thinking of taking a holiday for a couple of days,"  Jack says.

"Oh really, where you planning to go?" Frederica says, keeping an eye on her dad.

"Paris," Jack replies simply.

"Paris, eh?" Frederica smiles into the handset, "When are you planning to take the days off?"

"Oh, y'know, maybe this weekend... wanted to know if you'll be around?" Jack asks.

"Around? Yeah, I'm not really going anywhere..."

"Cool, if you could drop me a text with your address, I'll come and visit you."

"Sure, I'll do that."

"Great! I better be off, gotta finish things off here before I vacate out of here... see you soon," Jack says and hangs up. 

I take a look at the scenery before me, take a glance at the landscape and sigh, Jack's coming to see me in Paris. Paris. He's been calling every day since I've been in France and sometimes our conversations seem to stem from the completely unreal to more focal issues like dad and shops etc.  I'm still confused to what we are and where we're going but I'm excited that he's coming to see me.  I don't have many friends here, just dad, mum and me.  I head back into the room and my dad looks at me.

"Was that him?" he asks.

"Him?" I say, trying to be discreet.

"Y'know your boyfriend?" my dad says, "The bloke who sent over these DVDs."

"He's not my boyfriend dad," I say, taking my seat once again.

"Are you sure? He seems to be calling you somewhat a lot since you've been here.  Y'know when I was courting your mother, she ignored me for some time in our early courtship but that made me want her even more," my dad begins.

"Dad, I hardly think Jack is wooing me," I say.

"Yes, but he is calling you a lot," he points out.

"Because he's one of my good friends,"  I reply back.

"Yes, but even good friends don't call incessantly, every day just to see how you are.  I think that man has a soft spot for you."

"Dad, I really don't want to talk about it," I say.

"Now, now Fred... I know you've been hurt in the past but you can't let the past stop you from being happy- say he's the one? Eh?" My dad obviously won't let the conversation topic drop, "No matter how hard you try to avoid it, or however hard you try to think nothing is going to come out of it love, destiny has a way of bringing him to you."

"Since when did you become so hopeful dad?" I ask.

"Oh honey, I've always been hopeful... it's what being in love feels like and you will feel like that, I'm sure."

"After almost thirty years with your mother, there hasn't been a day I haven't questioned my love for her- without her, I'd be nothing and I certainly wouldn't be the man I am today,"

"This is corny dad," I say, embarrassed.

"Corny but true," he responds.

"But how did you know you loved her and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her?" I ask, because I don't know what love is...

"As silly as it might sound, you just know- there's no way of describing it. You just know," he says.

"That really helps dad," I say.  Could I be in love with Jack?  I don't really know him as well, as I should, but what does knowing him have anything to do with what I feel for him? I haven't even slept with him, what if sleeping with him will change things- of course it will change things, how could it not.  I'll think about it and face it when Jack gets here and that's four days away.  Four days with my thoughts.

***

My iPhone beeps, it's a text message from Jack, he's ten minutes away- luckily mum has taken dad out on a little excursion, so I have the house all to myself and can avoid any unwanted questions.  I've dressed up in a loose cardi that exposes a shoulder and jeans.  I practically live in jeans when I'm around at my parents, my hair is braided and I've put on a bit of slap on today, of course, I want to come across effortless but I still want to look pretty.  I'm a bunch of nerves at the moment- I haven't seen Jack in almost two weeks and I really miss him.  I can't wait to see him.  Everything is in working order over in London, Keira has been taking care of the bakery whilst I've been away and have received countless text messages from Ronan whinging about Charlotte.  What else is new there.  I can hear an engine pull up in the drive and automatically open the door and see Jack getting off his bike and take off his helmet.  He looks up and smiles and I walk towards him.  He settles his helmet on his bike and notice straight away, his hair has grown and looks very Zac Efron-esque, he's wearing his biker jacket. 

"Hey you," he smiles and walks towards me and pulls me into a bear hug, "God, I've missed you."  He whispers as I hear him inhale the scent of my hair, "God, you smell good too." And it's weird, because I can almost feel his smile as well. 

I can't help but say it too, "I've missed you too."  And I look him in the eye, "How was your journey? I can't believe you brought your bike."

"I hate Eurostar and I love my bike, no fuss there," he touches the side of my face with his fingers, as if he can't quite believe I'm standing right in front of him.

"You must be starving?" I ask but he draws closer and kisses me, his arms linking around my waist as I take his face into my hands.

Somehow from the gravel drive way, we've found ourselves tearing each other's clothes off in the guest bedroom.  He's licking, tasting and kissing me everywhere and I can only think about amazing and utterly sexy he makes me feel. I can't get enough of him- he kisses his way down the column of my neck to the valley of my breasts, taking his time suckling my nipples and making me even more aroused before.  He kisses lightly my stomach and then makes his way down towards my sacred spot and then impact. I gasp, oh my gawd.  He's making love to my inner core, I gasp, losing myself in his mouth and before I can come, he stops and I look down to see his cheeky grin. 

"I want to see you come when I'm inside you," he says seductively and that is the most sexiest thing, I have ever heard him say.

He sheaths himself and slowly enters me, he's big and for me, it's been a while. He's kissing me, caressing me and bit by bit, I'm accomodating him. He's big. I wince and he stops mid-way, "Am I hurting you?"

"No," it's barely a whisper, "I want you now."

And that's all I say, as he starts a slow thrust and works up momentum.  I can feel myself free falling over the edge and as my pants come quicker, I notice his eyes are fastened on my face, never leaving my face and I come and a few seconds later, he does too.  He's still on top of me, kissing me and eventually withdraws and lies breathless beside me.  He draws me into his embrace and suddenly, drowsy, I fall asleep, happy and content.

I wake up suddenly- turn to my side and notice Jack asleep beside me.  His brown hair covers his eyes and I realise, how beautiful he looks. I get up and shower in the ensuite bathroom and put on a dress and head downstairs, there's still no sign of my parents - which is good as I don't feel I have to explain my actions.  I put the kettle on and reheat the food.  Minutes later, Jack walks down in just his jeans and his chest is bare and I can do nothing but stare.  Is my tongue rolling on the floor?  We say nothing to each other but he looks at me, a look I've never seen before and I feel myself blush.

"Are you hungry?" I ask, but he says nothing and walks towards me and kisses me smack bang on the lips.  He kisses like I have never been kissed before, he touches my wet hair in his hands and my hands are on his chest, we're so lost in each other, it's crazy, yet neither of us notices the front door open and both my parents standing at the door gawping.

Have You Ever

This post is dedicated to my loving grandmother who always cared deeply and who I'll always remember as a great woman in my life.


CHAPTER EIGHT

... felt thankful for normality?

It's back to work as usual and I'm finishing up the cupcakes for Jack and Nathan's event at The Church - Jack has been helping me with them, and by helping he's been supplying me with food and just keeping me company.  He likes watching me work and I don't mind it. I really enjoy his company, he's a funny guy and a great listener.  We've been growing closer with the days in between my sister's arrival and the upcoming event.  After the debacle in the hospital and my sister's true colours shining through, my parents almost denounced her but with my persuasive talking, I've had to reason with them. I also spoke to them about how I felt and they apologised profusely- like a miscarriage of justice, I was heavily compensated with hugs and kisses and they have invited me over to France when I have some time to spare.  So, all is good in Fred-town.

I'm just finishing off a centrepiece I have secretly been working on, when Jack hasn't been keeping me company in the evenings, it's the picture that I had seen a couple of nights ago, the one that Jack had shown me. The centrepiece is entirely made of cupcakes, every single one is brought together to make an overall picture and its mainly to say thank you to Jack for being such a great guy.  I'm still not sure as to what we are, are we friends or are we more? I'm at a loss, having been out of the dating game for so long and I'm scared of misreading his signals, err, just thinking about it is making me nervous. I have under an hour to finish this off, before I deliver it. 

***

"That looks bloody brilliant, fuck, you must have spent ages on that," that's Nathan. He's Jack's brother, his response to the centrepiece as it's being put down at the event. Nathan resembles Jack a lot, I mistook him for being Jack at Sainsburys a few weeks ago, that's how I know him and know about this event. I try scanning for Jack but I don't notice about anywhere. And as if reading my thoughts, Nathan confirms that he's still at the studio organising pieces to go on display. As I finish setting up, I leave a few of my business cards lying around, wouldn't hurt to drum up more business and tell Nathan that I've got to go back to the shop to close up and will be back.  He gives me a peck on the cheek and scoffs down a cupcake as a head for the door.

I get home eventually, shower and dress and it's only when I'm leaving to go to The Church, that my iPhone rings.  It's my mum.

"Hi mum, how are you?"

There's hysterical crying on the other end and I can only fathom what this could mean.

"Mum, what's the matter?" I say, clutching the phone to my ear and dumping my clutch bag on the couch.

"It's your father, he's been knocked over... he's in surgery at the moment, oh Frederica, I don't know what to do,"  my mother is weeping down the phone. 

"Okay mum, don't worry... I'm on my way, I'll book the next flight out.  Text me the details of the hospital, I'm on my way," I hang up, dump my phone on the couch and run upstairs, crazily dumping clothes into my hand carry. I grab my phone and I'm out of the door within half an hour, fingers crossed for a flight... I hope my dad is okay.

***

The Church

"Jack, you have got to see this!" Nathan leads the way to the centrepiece where other people have congregated to admire the piece, "Bloody brilliant, don't you think?"

Jack's eyes focus on the cupcakes, "Amazing."

"She obviously put a lot of work into it, I mean look at our logo- it's the hardest mother fucker to draw but she bloody iced it, I swear we didn't ask for this right?" Nathan says.

"We didn't, it's very sweet of her that's for sure," Jack smiles to himself, "Where is she by the way?"

"She said she had to close up shop, go home but that she would be back," Nathan said, "Y'know women, might need to pamper one's self."

The evening wears on and Jack continues to look at his watch and his phone from time to time, but still Frederica doesn't show.  He networks through the crowd of people, asking him the same old questions about sourcing out the wood, the textiles, where everything is made etc. The answers are spoken like a broken record, he smiles but this is the part of the business that he doesn't enjoy.  After the clients start to dissipate, he sits down in one of the rocking chairs and pulls out his phone and notices the flashing 'textbox' message flashing on the screen.  He clicks on it and notices it's just an update for his phone.  He calls Frederica but she goes straight to voicemail and he hangs up.  It's only an hour later, the cupcakes are packed up from the display after serious picture taking and they are given out to the staff.  Jack bundles the samples in the back of the lorry, where the driver will deposit at the studio.

"What's up with you mate?" Nathan says smacking him on the shoulders, "You've been some lost puppy since you got here."

Jack remains quiet.  He hates discussing his personal life with his brother, the last time he had made that mistake, they shared more then just blood, they shared his woman.

"I'm going for a walk, I'll see you later," Jack says, grabbing his coat and making his way out. 

Minutes later, his feet have somewhat taken him to the doorstep of Frederica's house and he's reaching out to press the door bell when the door opens.

"Jack, what you doing here?" It's Charlotte, obviously making her way out.

"I've come to see Frederica, is she in?" Jack asks.

"I'm not sure, I've been here a while... come on in," Charlotte says and Jack steps in, seems everyone is in the lounge watching a movie and binging out.

Everyone waves him in and says hello and Charlotte asks, "Has anyone seen Frederica at all?"

It's Ronan who speaks up, "No, but she left me a text message on my phone... completely forgot to tell you guys, but she's had to take a flight out to Paris... she loves Paris, she's planning to set up a shop there, y'know expand the business and all..."

"So, she's gone to set up a shop?" Jack asks.

"No, she's gone over there because her father was involved in an accident."

"Is he alright?" asks Toni who stops mid-chip.

"Dunno, that's all she texted. Must have been pretty urgent if she had fly out... I mean, she's the only reliable daughter her parents have."

"Do you know when she's gonna get back?" Jack asks.

"No idea mate, no idea. Have you tried calling?" Ronan asks.

"It's going to voicemail," Jack says.

"She probably hasn't had a chance to put her phone on roaming," Charlotte chips in and ushers Jack to a seat and hands him a beer, "Don't worry, I'm sure she'll call you... what's the occasion anyway?"

"Nosey cow, our Lottie, always wants to know other people's business," teases Ronan.

Charlotte rolls her eyes at Ronan and looks at Jack for answers.

"Just wanted to see her," Jack replies simply.

"That's love for ya, L-O-V-E... love," Toni says with a mouth full.

Have You Ever

CHAPTER SEVEN

... wanted revenge?

We say no words in the back of the black cab, Frieda is morosely quiet - usually she's harping on about her lifestyle, the people she knows or the designer clothes and shoes or people who make those commodities - but it's eerily quiet and that's got me thinking.

We arrive at my house and I silently let her in, thankfully no one is home to witness her arrival so I have time to text everyone to let her know that she's here.

"Do you want something to drink, eat?" are the first words I offer her.

She nods, "I'm okay, thanks. Just tired."  She sits stiffly on the couch, staring at the wall.

I head to the kitchen and grab a glass and pour some orange juice.  I don't know why on earth I brought her here but some where deep inside me, I do feel sorry for her.  I pull out my iPhone and text Toni, Ronan and Charlotte about her and Ronan immediately texts back and I can already hear his gasp of utter horror.

What the fuck is she doing there?

No holds barred, that's Ronan for you. I text back and he replies.

Pregnant or not pregnant- does she remember what she did to you?!!!

I can't get into this right now, I really can't. I read the message again and exhale.

"I'll be out of your hair in a minute," my sister says from behind me.

I turn around to see that her eyes are red and her make-up's mashed up with all streaky tears.

"I don't think I know what love is," she begins and I stay quiet, "If I knew an ounce of what it meant, I wouldn't have betrayed you, nor would I have slept with your boyfriend and then continued to sleep with Hartley in spite of still being with someone else. I think that's one definition of being a bitch, right?"

I can only think of what a stellar performance this is- there used to be a time when I believed this crap and I got sucked into it, but not anymore, "When are you going?"

This time she exhales, "Soon, I'm going to mum and dad's - I just don't want to burden you with this, we haven't seen each other in two years or so and it's unfair that I should dump this on you- when frankly, we didn't exactly leave on equal footing."

"My footing was fine- it was yours that mis-stepped," I point out.

"I deserve that, would you call me a cab please... I'm going to stay at the Lanesborough- whilst I figure out my next step," she says hortily. I'm back to being just another servant for her, easily dismissed as usual.  My iPhone pings with a message and it's from Ronan.

You never guess who I am having a conversation with- of all the fucking places in London?! Hartley Armstrong.

I text back, looking at Frieda who has fallen asleep on my couch. I don't have the heart to wake her, to tell her... I text Ronan back quickly. He texts back.

He looks dishevelled but lush.  Could eat him on a stick.

I roll my eyes, some things never change with Ronan.  He texts back, it seems the power of Ronan has somehow got Hartley's jaw going (and no, not like that). It seems he's trying to track down Frieda St. Claire.

My sister. Ronan texts back and says, he won't tell Hartley where she is because frankly, Frieda St. Claire doesn't deserve happiness. I'm taken a back by his loyalty to me, above any superstar.  Ronan has been there through the trials and our friendship is super tight.  If he were straight, he would make the perfect boyfriend but hey, you can't want something that can never exist, right? There's an incoming call coming in and it's Jack, I head out into the garden to take it.

"Frederica, what's up?" his voice is deep, husky and there's concern written all over it.

"What do you mean?" I say, a tad confused because I really don't know what he means.

"I went to your shop and it's closed, thought it was odd because you're usually open," he says.

"Oh yeah, err.... ummm," I don't quite know how to talk about family stuff- I mean, are we a couple? Or is he just a friend?

"Spit it out," he says jokingly.

"Frieda turned up and I'm just trying to sort the situation out,"

"Situation?" 

"Long story-"

"Brought all her drama with her then?" he comments.

"What do you mean?" even more confused.

"I was passing the Evening Standard stand y'know and there's your face and hers on the front cover Double Trouble- seems the press are having a field day, knowing that Frieda St. Claire has a twin."

"Crap!" I utter. This is not good, not good at all.

"Have you eaten?" he asks. changing the subject.  My stomach growls and he laughs, "Do you mind if I drop by with some munchies?"

"Now's not a good time Jack, she's here," I say in annoyance, because I would really like to see him.

"I'm not coming to see her, I just wanted to see you... and by the sounds of it, I think your stomach wants to see me too, as I'll be bringing some food," he laughs. Oh, how sweet he sounds.

"Sure, come on over... just drop call me when you're at the door, so not to wake her."

We say goodbye and my heart does a somersault.  Some things never change.

***

Frieda is still asleep when Jack arrives and we creep outside into the garden and Jack opens up the food packages of home made humous, kofte, doner, pilaf and Turkish delight and we get stuck in.

"Thanks for coming by, it's so nice to see a friendly face," I say in between bites.

"No problem, so what's her problem?" Jack doesn't sugar coat or anything, he goes right in for the punch line.

I exhale, "She's pregnant." And I proceed to fill him in on the details.

At last he replies, "I guess she's your sister at the end of the day, even if she hasn't been a gracious sister at that- if the roles were reversed, would she be as accommodating?"

I never really thought about that, I take a while to answer because in actual fact, I don't think she would.  She wouldn't have the time nor the energy to spare a few minutes of her time.

"There's your answer," Jack says.

"I guess so- I've always felt like an only child, which is quite ironic considering, well, twins are meant to be solid, tight... my twin sister and I, are sadly not."

"Is that something you wished you had had with her?" Jack asks.

"You make it sound as if she's dead or something," I say.

"Well, yeah... by what you've told me of her, she sounds like a self centred cow," Jack says.

"Hey! You have no right to say that about her... you don't know her,"  I say indignantly.

"Quite frankly, I don't think I would waste my time wanting to get to know her, she's obviously spineless just turning up here after how many years and to think you would allow it- and you said so yourself, she slept with some hotshot guy when she was with her boyfriend, by the way... was your ex... how is that not categorically wrong?"

I'm quiet, I know that what Jack says is the truth but I can't seem to grapple with it and before I can answer- Frieda is standing behind us, fuming.

"And who the fuck are you to hold judgement?" comes her threat.

Jack spins around in his chair and doesn't bat an eyelid.

"I said, who the fuck do you think you are?" her shrill voice says.

"We were having a private conversation Frieda," I begin.

"Yes, you may be having a private conversation Fred but the topic was about me and I don't like people talking about me," she screams.

"Then you're in the wrong business then, aren't you?" Jack sarcastically says.

Frieda looks from me to Jack and I can see her hand making it's way towards his face.  Jack grabs her hand before it hits his face and shoves her backwards into the house.

"Are you going to allow him to treat me like that Fred?" Frieda says to me.

I touch my temples, not this again, why can't she just avoid these confrontations, these hissy fits.  Surely this amount of confrontation, this stress is doing more harm then good, especially now that she's pregnant and all. 

"Frieda, he has his own mind- as do you but God help me, if you continue to act like the spoilt brat that you are, you will just have to leave."

"Oh, so you're choosing him over me... is that right?" Frieda says with venom.

Little does she know, that two can play at that game, "Like you chose my boyfriend over me? Don't try pulling that fast one on me, sis.  God, I'm fed up with this shit.  Why is it you just manage to complicate things everywhere you go, does Hartley know what he's got himself in for with you?"

Frieda is fuming and when I say fuming, she's hyperventilating but before we know it, her eyes are rolling to the back of her head and she falls in a heap on the floor, banging her head on the glass coffee table on the way down. Oh lord, I better call the ambulance.

***

Of course, the famous actress that my sister is can only mean one thing... she attracts attention wherever she goes and of course, before no time, my parents get hold of this information and they're calling me, fuming at me, calling me careless and... well, I don't really need to go into detail but they're pissed off. They're coming on the first flight out to see her and take care of her, little do they know she's harbouring a secret, her pregnancy. I'm used to this treatment, I'm always the odd ball- the less successful and smart one in the family, no matter how many accomplishments, how many successes I have notched under my belt, I have never really been good enough.  They have always prized my sister on being famous, being in films knowing people and I guess in that sense, their sight is flawed.  I know they love me, but they love my sister more and sometimes, I wish I were an only child purely for the fact that I wouldn't have to feel like I ought to compete with my twin sister.

At the moment, my sister is getting checked out by one of the residents at the hospital- security has been dispatched at her door, preventing unwanted visitors - her status as a Hollywood actress has garnered that accolade.  Jack has happily come with me for the company and we're sitting outside in the waiting area.  I exhale, close my eyes and just wish this day is over.

"I'm not going to apologise for what I said about her," Jack says.

"I know and that's fine, I don't care... I don't care about what's said about her, I don't care about her, I just don't care anymore."

My admission is what does me in, I just break down. I never asked for this... I never asked not to be loved as an equal to my sister but there's no use in asking or wishing because I know some how it'll never come to any of it.

Jack takes my hand and squeezes it, "You should tell your parents how you feel."

"What's the point? They won't listen to me, they never have." I say with disgust, my parents have never listened to me, so what's the point of starting now.

"You should try, they're probably set in their ways by your sister... by the way she is, she's probably fed them a bunch of lies or something..." Jack tries to convince me but I'm just too tired to do anything.

***

It's a few hours later and it's late evening, I have been checking in on Frieda every so often and she's been asleep for the majority of it.  My parents have just called to let me know that they have landed and are on their way to see her.  There is no 'us' in the equation.  Their beloved daughter is more their concern then the fact that she comes in a set. 

Jack left a few hours ago, he had to get on with work and work stops for no one.  I'm still trying to figure out what we are, because I myself am confused but I'm just happy that he was there for me, when I needed a friend. Back to work tomorrow - then I can really concentrate on the big orders.

My parents pass me, as they head towards my sister's room.  I stand up and call them back, "Mum, Dad!"  They stop in their tracks to look at me and are almost annoyed by the interruption, they come back, kiss me on the cheeks and waste no time in asking about Frieda, of course, I love my parents too much to stretch their time, so I point to the guard who's standing outside her room.  They go in and all I can hear is the soppy kisses and hugs they must be showering my sister now.  I notice, they hadn't invited me in, so like a lost puppy I walk into the room and stand in the very corner.  Frieda is explaining the circumstances and of course, she twists the truth round to suit her and I'm seen as the bad guy, my parents barely notice I'm in the room and I can hear Frieda's horty voice bouncing all the walls, the one thing she hasn't told my parents is the fact that she's with child and she doesn't know who's it is.  God, I want so badly to speak up and be the bearer of bad news but, it's just not my decision to make and I'll just come off as shallow and attention seeking, which is what my sister is and has always been.  She's an actress, after all.  It's in her nature to seek attention and feed off from people.  Oh Lord, she's definitely letting it rip with the tears now.  I can't bear it any longer, I reach for the door and am about to turn the handle when the door swings open and a tall broad man walks in and looks straight at me.  He looks at me, as if assessing me and then his eyes pan out to the three shocked faces to the side.  He smiles at me and then his face changes to thunder and addresses Frieda at the foot of her bed.

"Is it true?" his voice is stormy as he directs this one question to my sister.

"Is what true?" my sister plays at being coy.

"You're pregnant and you don't know if it's mine," he says.

Frieda looks at me with disgust in her eyes, "I told you not to tell anyone."

"I didn't," I say simply but it's Hartley Armstrong that comes to my defence.

"She knows nothing about this, leave her out of this," he smiles at me, "You should count yourself lucky to have such a great sister like her, pulling you out of paparazzi scrums, putting up with your lies and bullshit.  What I want to know, is whether that child you're carrying is mine or if it's Eric's."

My mother looks like she's been hit by a thunder bolt.

"I repeat, is that child mine or his?" Hartley says.

"I don't know," Frieda says.

"So you slept with me whilst you were with someone else? Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant... do you think I would be so unfeeling towards you to know that I would turn you away from knowing I fathered a child?"  Hartley says with disgust and I can tell my parents are just as shocked as he is.

I quickly exit because I don't want to be included in anymore of this drama, no one stops me but I feel like justice has been served - at least they know the truth about my sister and how manipulative she can be. She will just have to face up to it.

I take a cab home, looking forward to home and bed.

Have You Ever

CHAPTER SIX

... thought about balance?

Never judge a book by it's cover- that also includes restaurants as well.  Jack and I have walked into a restaurant that, from the outset looks like they got their toddler to design- but the food is simply divine and I'm eating like a pig, forget about manners, the food is too good to eat like a lady.  I'm not sure I'm coming across exactly right either but I'm past caring.

"How's your grandmother?" I ask because it's been a while.

"She's great, hilarious as always.  She's down in Devon at the moment with friends," Jack says in between mouthfuls, "How's Lottie?"

He means Charlotte my flatmate, I haven't really seen a lot of her lately because she's been at various exhibitions, showcasing her work and I haven't really caught up with her, I tell him this and he nods as if understanding. We talk in between mouthfuls and share a few tidbits in between, about her lives, her childhoods, friends, that sort of thing but we don't dare go into discussion about our love life's because let's be clear that is non existent at the moment.  Kinda sad really, I have a great career, I love what I do but it's hard to maintain a balance, because balance is everything, isn't it?

"What's wrong? Don't you like what you're eating?" Jack asks.

"Oh no, I love the food, I just... was thinking that was all," I say.

"What about?" he asks without reservation.

"Oh y'know stuff," I say vaguely.

"If you don't wanna talk about it, that's perfectly fine- you were frowning, I was beginning to think you weren't enjoying my company, that was all," Jack said, taking a swig of his root beer.

"Can I ask you a really random question?"  he nods, "Do you find it hard to meet people... like, never mind... silly question." 

There's a silence between us.

"Yeah, of course. I'm cooped up in my studio at all hours of the night and day, I really don't have a chance for much right now, you?"

"The same."

"Do you wish it were different?" Jack asks.

"I guess, you always want something you don't have... I guess so."

"I don't think I would be a particularly great boyfriend though... my job is pretty stressful and unless she likes watching me work, that would be date night."

I nod in acknowledgement - so he's not seeing anyone at the moment, that's cool. Why am I pleased?

After a while, he pays for dinner where I battle him out to pay for my share but he insists it was his idea and pays for everything.  We walk out into the humidity and he offers to walk me home, where I insist he doesn't need to.  Chelsea's a safe neighbourhood- but he insists and I don't really have a choice. He's bigger and burlier then I am, so I don't really have a choice.

Home isn't that far away and we walk and talk as if like old friends and then we reach my front door, it definitely feels like a first a date, especially one that is without the pressures.

"Wow, it's been a long day... I was meant to go to Paris today but with the ash cloud and all..."

"Has anyone ever told you that when you're nervous, you babble."

"I'm not a babbler, I simply like to fill awkward silences with my reputable babble... yeah, maybe I am a tad nervous, I'm only nervous now because we're out here and we didn't exactly leave on great circumstances and well, I'm sorry for that and I just really..." I was on the edge of losing breathe there and all of a sudden Jack closes the gap between us and kisses me, smack-bang-thank-you-mam right on the lips. His arms are curling around my waist and he's kissing me like he's been without kissing for centuries and perhaps that is a slight exaggeration but I can't describe it any other way. He draws away and looks intently at me.

"You're blushing," he speaks.

And somehow I don't have anything to say, stunned and speechless.

"I think I might have kissed you to silence," he jokes, grinning.

I nod.

"I gotta go, early start tomorrow... I'll try swinging by sometime tomorrow to help you out with whatever needs doing, thanks for tonight and everything," he leans forward and plants a simple sensual kiss on me, smiles and waits whilst I let myself in, I smile as I close the door on him and lean against the door.

"What are you smiling about?" Ronan quips as he catches me in my reverie.

"Nothing, can't I just smile?"

"No, there's always someone or something that brings a smile to you Fred and I suspect it's a man," Ronan remarks, spot on.

I walk towards the steps, "I'm beat, I'm off to bed..."

"Don't worry, sooner or later, I'll get it out of you," he smiles and I run up the stairs to bed.

***

The following day, I'm a lot more casual then I was previously- I decide to wear skinny jeans, red ballet pumps and a stripey jumper on the exception that I wear my hair up in a tight pony tail, only as I'll be baking and designing.  I open shop, allowing Keira a lie in before she comes in and starts serving at eleven o'clock.  Thankfully, it's quiet and I've served a few early risers with red velvet and banana and chocolate iced muffins.  I've put the radio on and ice cupcakes at the till. 

I get a call ten minutes later, there's a burst pipe in Keira's flat and there's water everywhere, her and her boyfriend have to clear up the mess and organise a plumber to come in and fix it.  It's fine, these things happen, I tell her to take the rest of the day off and get it sorted.  It's quiet still and it's midday, the bell above the door jingles and I look up and I can't believe my eyes- what the fuck is she doing here?

"Hi sis," my sister... my snotty, back stabbing sister says, she's lost weight and she has her suitcase with her. I can only fathom one thing.

"What do you want Freida?" I say, leaning back in my chair, folding my arms.

"I need your help," she simply says, and she exhales, biting back tears.  I have no sympathy for her.

"Please Fred, I had no where else to go and we are sisters after all, aren't we meant to help each other?" she says, trying to turn the tables on me.

"No, I stopped helping you the moment you broke the unwritten rules between sisters Frieda," I say flippantly, carrying on icing.

"I'm sorry, I was a bitch back then... but I need your help," she pleads, out of all the time I've known my sister, she has never once pleaded with me.

"Well you've come to the wrong person haven't you?"

"I'm pregnant Fred," she simply states.

I look down at the icing bag in my hand, I'm cruel but I'm not that cruel.  I exhale, "I'm listening."

She moves her suitcase out of the way and starts crying, "I don't know what to do, I'm not ready for children.  I don't have friends I can rely on over there." She's a blubbering mess.

"Can't you go over to mum and dad's?"

"No, they'll only ask questions I have no intention of answering."

"Like who the father is? Who is the father by the way?" I ask, the last I had heard she was still together with my ex.

There's a pause, a very pregnant pause... no pun intended.

"It's not his... it's Hartley Armstrong," my jaw hits the floor. 

Hartley Armstrong is a bachelor by the highest degree, he has slept with almost every actress, model, singer, thespian etc.  He's been known in the past to break it off with women who start hinting at marriage and babies - he doesn't do either, but he is gorgeous, he's your rough and rogue kind of guy. So, my sister has been bedded by a superstar.

"So what is it you exactly need? Help to figure out who's it is or what to do with it?" I ask her.

"Both-" she says, "I don't know what to do,"

"For starters, you need to tell the father," I say.

"But I'm carrying the baby," she says, in all her naivety.

"Yes, but you had sex and when the egg meets the sperm that equates that," I throw back at her, "What did you think would happen, the stalk would deliver a baby to you?"

"Still as sarcastic as ever, I see," she replies back.

"What did you expect, arms wide open, after the shit you left behind, the pieces I had to piece back together ON MY OWN!" 

"Calm down Fred- this isn't helping," Frieda says, touching her temple.

"I'm sorry, if my welcome isn't satisfactory to your showbiz standards- but here on earth, if you make your bed, you certainly have to lie in it.  I can't help you, I wouldn't know where to begin and I'm sure with your money you can certainly pay someone to think up things for you."

"You're a heartless bitch, y'know that Fred!" she screams, grabbing hold of her suitcase and slamming the door open but pausing.

"Takes one to know one," I reply back.

I watch her storm off down the street and carry on icing, it bears no impact on me.  I'm used to my twin sister, dropping by when it suits her and expecting everyone in her path to take care of things. It's about time, she took responsibility for her actions. 

I decide to close the shop, because I hate it when my sister disrupts a perfectly good day- I'm going to do something exciting, I'm going to go shopping.

Only, when it comes to shopping- my sister has the same idea. I bump into her on the Kings Road and am caught in a paparazzi scrum.  Who the heck alerted them? I head in the opposite direction only to pause- it's my sister, if anything happened to her, it'd be on my head... she's pregnant after all with my niece, nephew.  Despite all the shit that has happened to her, she's still my sister, I grab her arm and drag her into the nearest black cab and head off.